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by fanandwriter
Summary: A conversation between Erin and Jay reveals a secret Erin's been hiding. An addition to the Ep 3x17 (takes place in the middle of the ep roughly)
**Hey All, I posted this fic about an hour ago and somehow something went wrong in the formatting, thank you to the person who bought this to my attention. It is now fixed. Hopefully. Hopefully you can all read it a lil better now, my apologies.**

Erin couldn't get over the fact that she almost lost her partner, it could have been Jay. Erin feels selfish for thinking like that, that someone's wife is grieving and so is her partner, but she can't help but think that it could have been Jay. She didn't have his back, she didn't know how close he came. She heard it over the radio as she sat at Voight's desk talking to him about - well she doesn't even remember because the minute that call came she so badly wanted to race over and hold Jay, check he was okay. Hank saw her face though, the worry and panic in her eyes, he knew that she couldn't be level headed when it came to this crime scene, so he sent Al. Al had done time in the military, he and Jay had spoken about it, if there was anyone that Erin could send to help Jay that wasn't herself it was Al.

The first time she saw him was several hours later, she wondered if he had to go to hospital, if some IA dude was cornering him, asking him questions about his involvement which was ludicrous, He would be the last one of them all to turn dirty, he was the most honest and caring guy she'd ever met. She knew he had demons. Hell they all had them. The minute he stepped foot through the back door. Erin was there. Greeting him. Holding him. He tried to reassure her that he was fine, but while he may be fine physically his friend was fighting for his life and she knew that Jay was not fine. She just wanted to hold him for a bit longer but she knew that Voight wanted her in their interrogating Brianna.

It was a full on case. Erin barely had time to check in on Jay. She just had to believe that he knew she was here if he needed anything. The first night came round and they hadn't made any arrests. Terry's killer and his associates still roamed the streets. Voight had sent Jay home an hour before the rest of them called it a night. Erin couldn't describe the feeling she felt as she approached Jay's front door, but she knocked on the door and pushed them aside, she was here to comfort Jay. She went to throw her arms around Jay when the door opened but withheld herself as she saw Will was standing there. Will wouldn't answer the door unless Jay wasn't home.

"Is Jay in?"  
"Uh no" Will said a look of confusion spread across his face. "I thought he was staying at yours till I got a place of my own?"  
Erin had already been back at her apartment, packed some clothes for at least the next two days and he wasn't there.  
"I just figured he'd be staying here tonight, probably wanting to be by himself.  
"Why? Did you guys have a fight?"  
"No, uh do you mind if I come in and wait for him."  
"Sure"

Erin dumped her duffle bag in the bedroom, walked through to the kitchen to grab a glass of water from the fridge and then sat on the lounge flicking through the channels, feet tucked under her. Will flicked the TV off and she glared at him.  
"What's going on Erin?"  
"There was an incident this morning."  
"Jay didn't start work till 12 today. He told me."  
"He was working his security job, with his friend Terry. They were ambushed by a low-level gang, as far as we know. Terry was shot, he uh didn't make it."  
"Jay's not taking it too well?"  
"No, Terry's wife is having a baby."  
"Jay always hated seeing the families, having to tell them. He'd always come home and tell me about the looks on their faces."  
"He's pushing me away Will, I need him to know I'm here for him, I know what he's going through. I just need to hold him, because it could have been him, I feel so selfish for thinking like that but he could be the one that died."  
"But he didn't Erin."  
"But it's always going to be like this Will, even when the next time comes, its always going to come down to what could've been."  
"Have you told him how you feel."  
"No, we don't really speak about all that stuff a lot."  
"Maybe it's time you did."  
Then they sit there, an eery silence over the two of them. Before Will gets up and calls his brother.  
Erin settling into the couch a bit more, the contents of the day making her struggle to keep her eyes open for any longer.  
The next thing she remembers is the voices of the two Halstead brothers, it was gruff and short the conversation between them but it definitely wasn't quiet.  
"Hey Er, sorry I'm late" Jay speaks his voice soft. A very different tone to the one he was using a minute ago to his brother. Erin mumbled and rolled over finding his hand and holding it.  
"You really don't like being disturbed do you, sleeping beauty." Jay smiled, his first real smile all day. Only Erin could make him feel like this after such a shit day.  
"Pretty sure i heard her snoring before." Will shouts out down the other end of the apartment.  
"Fuck you Will" she mumbles. "Jay."  
"I'm here babe"  
"I love you."  
"Love you too" Jay says pressing a kiss to her temple.  
Erin eventually finds the energy to drag herself to bed. Jay's in there undressing ready to hop into bed.  
She notices the bruises that lace his body. Another reminder of the close call they had.  
"Jay" Erin mumbles.  
"Yeah"  
"I can't lose you." Erin speaks her voice cracking as she feels the tears start forming and she fights them, oh she tries to fight them so much because Jay's been through so much today and he's holding it together better than she is.  
"Er-" he pauses and turns around catching her trying to wipe the tears before they spill. "oh Erin. I'm right here, i'm not going anywhere. How about we talk about this in the morning, i'm absolutely hammered and I want to try and get some sleep tonight."  
Erin nodded, she settles into his bare chest letting him wrap his arms around her. The beating of his heart lulling her to sleep. He was here holding her.

Erin wakes up to find Jay staring at the stealing.  
"Morning" she mumbles "Did you sleep okay?"  
"Uh I got a few hours, just kept replaying yesterday's events."  
"It'll get easier, I promise." Erin replies kissing his cheek.  
"You want to tell me what was going through that beautiful mind of yours last night."  
"I don't know."  
"Er, if you have something you want to tell me, I don't want you to feel afraid to say it."  
"Yesterday was a close call for me Jay, to losing you. You saw what happened when I lost Nadia, how do you think i'm going to be if I lose the one person that means the most to me. I know i'm being selfish right now because Terry was your friend, and his wife is grieving and has to raise a child by herself but what if that was me. I know you. You would have jumped in front of that bullet to save him if you could. But I need you not to Jay, I need you to start thinking about me."

"I do think about you Erin, constantly your the only thing that can make my day better, and your right. If I could have I probably would have jumped in front of Terry and taken that bullet for him, he was about to be a dad and I think every kid deserves to know their parents. My thoughts weren't in order while we were getting shot at and i'm sorry."  
"What about you Jay, what about your baby."  
"What are you talking about?"  
"I'm pregnant Jay."  
"Your what"  
"You heard me"  
"Yeah I did and i'm just trying to process that."  
"bet your glad you didn't jump in front of that bullet now because I sure am." Erin snapped getting up and walking out to the kitchen./p

Jay sighed. He got up and followed her.  
"Erin that's not fair."  
"Yes it is Jay, because I could be Lissa right now."  
"But your not. I'm here, i'm fine."  
"Until the next time you want to be a hero and I can't do that Jay. I can't keep wondering if your going to come home when I can't have your back because i'm at home looking after our baby. So i need you to promise me, promise me that your going to stop taking risks that aren't necessary, to never jump in front of a bullet for someone, because I won't be able to deal with your death as well as Lissa is dealing with Terry's."  
"I promise Erin, I promise to always put you and our baby and any other future children ahead of everyone else."  
Jay opened his arms to hold his girlfriend. She embraced it, breathed in him, let him hold her, remind her that they were okay this time, that now that Jay knew their was more than just the two of them, that he'd be more careful.

 _And it's alright_

 _Calling out for somebody to hold tonight_

 _When you're lost i'll find the way_

 _I'll be your light_

 _You'll never feel like your alone_

 _I'll make this feel like home._


End file.
